live in love.

“i have found the paradox that when we love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”
-mother teresa. 

it’s incredibly hard to believe, but my first semester of college is almost over.  the feeling is very bittersweet- i’m happy to be going home, to not have to study or do any work for the next month, but i’m also sad- buffalo has become a home to me and i will miss the place and the people sorely.  the life that i have made for myself here is truly beautiful and it will be hard to leave for an entire month (although i think that life is gradually teaching me that a month, while it seems long, will fly by startlingly quickly).

i feel that in this short period of time, i have grown immensely as a person.  the things that i have experienced and witnessed over this past semester have changed me irrevocably and forever.  my first emotion is graditude- i wake up every morning and feel unbelievably blessed that i have the friends and the situations i have.  i can’t believe that i’m this lucky.  buffalo has been a hugely humbling experience for me, and i am so thankful for the lessons i have learned.

i also feel a sense of sadness, because, to be frank, i’ve been through a whole lot of shit this semester, and i know that a part of my childhood innocence is gone, never to return.  although i have found growing up to be an enjoyable process overall, there are definite growing pains, and i have felt them this semester.  it’s stunning to me how differently i think from when i started college and how much my beliefs have changed.

the most defining event of my first semester was a very personal family tragedy.  before this happened, i was ready to scorn my family and leave them behind in the pursuit of my dreams and happiness.  after being away from them, and feeling the pain of not being able to share in their burdens of grief, my priorities and perspectives have been permanently changed.  just last post, i said that i wasn’t ready to choose my family over my dreams.  now, the choice couldn’t be more clear.

the idea of finding a career i absolutely love, of getting to make my own decisions, of following my heart and mind instead of my family’s, of doing things because they make me happy- that’s a huge and very real dream of mine.  but getting to care for my parents as they age, holding my future niece or nephew in my arms minutes after he or she is born, walking down the aisle on my father’s arm, having my mother teach my child basic korean- that’s another dream, and that’s the dream i need to chase full force.  if i choose my personal goals over my family, i may end up having to burn bridges that i won’t be able to repair later.

i’ve been reading the bible a bit lately for a little comfort, and i stumbled upon a verse that i’ve read hundreds of times, but it was almost like i rediscovered it at that moment.  it’s a verse that most christians, and many non-christians, know, and it brought me great comfort.  

“love never gives up.  love cares more for others than for self.  love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.  love doesn’t strut, doesn’t have a swelled head, doesn’t force itself on others, isn’t always “me first,”, doesn’t fly off the handle, doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, doesn’t revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end.”
-1 corinthians 13:4-7, the message bible. 

reading this verse made me realize that my parents and i do not love each other- we care for each other, we are appreciative of one another, and we have each other’s interests in mind, but the essence of our relationship is not based on any of the qualities listed above.  i feel that most of the blame is mine- i am so quick to fly off the handle, to assume the worst, to give up, to rejoice in their mistakes, to bring up past arguments and wrongdoings, to manipulate.  but i feel that in love, we sacrifice.  i want to be willing to sacrifice and rejoice in my losses for the sake of my parents, who i truly believe that i can one day love.  i want to take the hits with joy and hope that the happiness i will receive from attempting to repair my broken relationship with my parents will exceed the happiness i would have felt from going after my dreams and pursuing a career that fulfills me.  therefore, i’ve decided to put my dreams of pursuing other degrees aside for a couple of years and pursue my nursing degree at my parent’s request.

i regret this decision everyday.  i talk to my parents, and realize how utterly unaware they are of how hard it is for me to work for a degree that i dread getting, how oblivious they are to the fact that this sacrifice has taken almost all of me, and i want to give up and pursue my own dreams.  but love is not self seeking- it doesn’t look for approval or appreciation for choices made in love.  i’m trying to remember that love has its rewards, even if they’re nowhere in sight right now.  i sit through nursing classes and walk out wanting to cry about how completely unfulfilling and dull i find the career and sit through hour after hour of studying and working towards a degree that i dread earning, but i’m trying to keep my eye on the prize.  the bible says that love hopes and perseveres- always, regardless of the sacrifices and circumstances involved.  i want so badly to believe that love will be enough to get me through these next few years.

love is really hurting right now- the bible says absolutely nothing about love being painless.  mother teresa, i hope you got this one right.  i hope there’s only more love at the other side of this.